I described them in an e-mail to Prof:
To explain, I'll start off with what they said in the hospital. Dr. M said I don't have DID or anything, just that as a coping mechanism I have compartmentalized my feelings into personalities. These are just a way of coping, and they can be weaved back together with me through therapy.
So. Let me explain how my brain is working right now.
There are 7 people in my head. They represent different emotions, to an extent. They all serve different functions, have their own names, opinions, handwriting, thoughts, voices, and the ability to switch in and take over when I can't handle something. Sometimes I dissociate and I don't remember a couple hours of my life because one of them has switched in. I guess this is normal? I don't know. I just know that I can't remember portions of my day, or driving home, because it wasn't me that was doing it. (And it's beyond normal dissociation like Robin said we do in every day life.) Sometimes they switch in just because they want a say in what's going on on the outside, because I don't necessarily give in to their thoughts or demands.
They each have different personalities, I guess because they operate as different facets of me that handle different situations. (Oh, the joys of having a psychotic break. All kinds of good stuff pops up.)
There's Mean Lauren (ML) , Nice Lauren (NL) , Roo, Sam, Calm and Collected (He likes to be referred to as CnC) , Kerri , and Aly.When I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed, caffeinated, or I haven't taken my Abilify, their voices rise to a cacophony in my head and I can't think straight. I get twitchy, panicky, have bad thoughts. It's one of those 'the voices in my head are telling me to kill you, and it's really hard for me not to listen' moments, and it's scary.
I've conducted conversations with them in a journal, and they all have different handwriting. CnC has rather neat print, ML's handwriting is scrawl, Sam's is very sloping and elegant, Roo's is childlike, Kerri is very girlish, and mine is a jumbled mess of print. CnC even grips the pen too hard, and I had to ask him to stop.
I can ask them to help me out, when I'm going through something. Usually begging one to switch in during the heat of the moment doesn't work (only Sam can do that), and instead it's kind of like setting up a date. For work last night, I asked CnC to help me out when it got tough, or just to keep the ball rolling (through journaling).Sure enough, I ended up watching myself in another grand depersonalization moment as CnC just went to town doing dishes and getting shit done.
Or there are the descriptions I posted on TeenHelp.org, which are succinct and true to form.
CnC [Calm and Collected]: He's as his namesake states. He is the one that shores us up when we're upset. He'll switch in and is something of a blank face. He's all business, and isn't afraid to dive in, and get it done. When I can't handle something, he'll switch in and take it on with a calm head, and when I'm calmed down somewhere inside, he'll step aside once he's reached a point where be believes I can handle things.
Sam: Sam is comfort, and love. He, along with CnC, have been with me since my childhood. He very rarely switches in, but instead focuses on comforting those inside my head. When I switch out and another switches in, Sam is automatically there to comfort me. Same is love, Sam is a hug. He is quiet, but the most comforting thing I've got.
Mean Lauren [ML]: Mean Lauren is the nasty voice in the back of my mind, constantly berating me, constantly putting me down. When M: got tired of my emotional turmoil, she switched in and took over. She was tired of my 'whining', and decided to actually act on it. ML is argumentative, and usually likes to get in the last word. Her opinions usually border along the lines of violence and anger.
Nice Lauren [NL]: Nice Lauren isn't very prominent lately, only because I haven't had many altruistic moments presented to me. NL is comfort as well, like Sam, but for the outside. NL knows how to be kind and gentle with words, and is usually there to bolster up my confidence as ML tears it to shreds. She's usually unsuccessful.
Roo: Roo is the most childlike of my personas. She's fun loving, bubbly, and excitable. Her original name was indeed Bubbly, but then she decided that she liked Roo better. She loves Roo from Winnie the Pooh, and identifies with him. When Roo switches in, I babble like an idiot. I can't control what seems to be pure stream of consciousness speech, and it's kind of terrifying. She's sweet, but she can be dangerous when I'm in the company of others, such as my coworkers.
Kerri: Kerri is something of a sexual deviant. Her thoughts are always perverted, and she's the hyper sexual side of myself that I run from. She doesn't switch in, thankfully, but she fills my head with plenty of imagery that I'd rather not have.
Aly: Aly is the most recent of my 'emergees'. She is the depressed side, the one that whispers, "Cut...cut...cut" in my ear. She isn't angry, like MD, but instead is malicious in other ways. Her tactics are through pure despair, and she is the dark corner of my mind that I'd prefer not to know exists.
Despite everything, I love the Troops. They're apart of me, and I them. We're working towards unity.
