Culmination

My self loathing continued. My stress levels rose, and I had no outlet with which to dispel all that stress. I just bottled it up.

Thoughts started going through my head early on in the semester. Dark thoughts, of hurting others, but mostly hurting myself.

What if I throw myself off the chapel wall? I'd think .
What if I just...trip...into that desk corner...I'd ponder.

These thoughts of hurting myself persisted. At first they were whispers, mere thoughts of passing fancy. I didn't seriously consider it, didn't seriously consider hurting myself.

But the thoughts persisted throughout the semester, rising in volume throughout October, making a dull roar in November.
By early December these thoughts had risen to a screaming in my ear. A roaring that never stopped.
My mind was completely overrun by these thoughts of inflicting pain, of how much of a failure I was.

Cut cut cut. 


Those thoughts continued, driving me insane. Everywhere I looked, every where I turned, I saw something I could hurt myself with.
I got Dosiq (my roommate) to keep my scissors, my pencil sharpener. She moved the knives for me, she did everything I asked of her to keep me safe.

But it wasn't enough.
Everything culminated, into that one day...December 3, 2010.

CUT CUT CUT