Cut Cut Cut Pt. 4

The fourth piece of my Cut Cut Cut puzzle.

At this point, it's easier to talk about all of this now. I don't get that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore (well, I do, but I don't feel like throwing up at this point.)

I still have flashbacks, and flashbulb memories , and certain things make me cringe, like certain types of socks, thin clothing, or hospital smell.


Cut Cut Cut Pt. 4

I don't remember much from my appointment with Prof. I knew it was only supposed to last half an hour, and Roommate would be coming at 12:30 for an appointment with him.

But I needed to talk, even though my throat was constricted, and I was already on the verge of tears.
When I got there, he smiled, as he always does, and invited me to sit down.

I tried to steel myself, but I could feel my walls crumbling down.
CnC shored up those walls, lent me some of his courage, his stability.
I was able to look Prof in the eye, and not say anything for awhile. Until I remembered the multitude of bandaids that I had on my hands and leg.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I confessed this sin to him. I apologized first.
"First off...I'm sorry," I nearly whispered.

And then I proceeded to tell him my story. How it wasn't me doing the cutting, because it wasn't. ML had taken over, and Prof and I agreed that it was a major depersonalization moment for me, and because of that fact, we should probably go down to the counselor.

He asked me if I was strong enough for that, if I was okay with that. I nodded, and pulled my coat back on, my gloves, my hat.
Wrapped my scarf around my neck, slung my backpack over my shoulders.

I was crying, silently, as he led me out of his office and on that excruciatingly long walk down to the health center, where the campus counselor had her office.

I told him that I felt stretched too tight. Like a rubber band that was stretched to its limits, and if it's stretched anymore, it would snap.
"What happens if you snap? If that rubber band snaps?" He asked me.
I shook my head. "I don't know...I'd fall to pieces..."

I thought I had snapped, that my inner rubber band had been stretched to its limits. But there was more to come.