Things have been getting better, but at the same time, I think it's getting worse. Just in different ways.
No more psychotic breaks, but other things have stepped up to take their place.
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Once at the campus health center, Prof took over. I stood awkwardly in the lobby, while he spoke with the receptionist.
Turning to me, he smiled and gestured to the waiting room. "Lauren, why don't you take a seat?"
I nodded, almost numb at this point.
I looked around the waiting room, deciding where to sit. I finally decided upon the seat next to the door and fire alarm, my back to a wall. I was on edge, and completely wired. Knee bouncing, foot tapping, I was pulled as taut as any rubber band might be.
It seemed like an eternity before Bird, the campus counselor, came through the doorway.
Prof had been looking at the magazines in the corner, and he looked up, smiling. He gestured for me to follow Bird, and I could barely stand.
My legs were shaking, but I followed Bird, as much as I wanted to run out the door I'd just been sitting beside.
Prof followed behind me, and we made our way to her office. I could feel the walls crumbling, even as CnC tried to shore them up once more.
We were losing it, I was losing it.
I collapsed into my favorite seat in Bird's office, while Prof sat down in the less comfortable arm chair, while Bird sat in her swivel chair across from us.
"So, Lauren. What brings you and Dr. Prof here today?"
Prof raised his hand, smiling slightly. "If I may...let me tell you what Lauren has told me, and then we'll see if everything corroborates."
Bird nodded, and I listened as Prof recounted my tale, word for word.
My counselor looked at me for affirmation-I nodded, looking away guiltily. What could I say? It was true. ML had cut me.
Bird began to list the options. I knew what I was going to hear.
"We all depersonalize, Lauren. When we're driving, doing menial tasks. But when it gets to this kind of level, further action is required..."
I nodded, tears in my eyes. I was trying not to cry, trying so hard.
I looked at Prof, then away. I couldn't look at him. How could I?
After she was finished explaining my options, I nodded once more. "I think...I think that going to the hospital would be the best...for me..."
Prof nodded encouragingly, as I fell apart inside. I wrung my hands, tears rolling down my cheeks as I gradually lost my control and grip on my emotions and reality.
Soon after my courtesy transport was there. I would first go to the community services center to be evaluated. If I were approved for hospitalization, I would either go voluntarily to the hospital, or I would get TDO'ed, which means that I would have gotten a temporary detainment order, which meant I would have to stay a minimum of 72 hours at any given hospital.
After getting approval, I would then go to the emergency room for a medical evaluation, and from there to the hospital that they found a bed for me at.
I got up, steeling myself. CnC was in control, but barely. He followed the police officer, and Sam scrambled to give me lots of hugs in my head. But it was so, so hard.
The police officer was kind and he even let me sit in the front of the car. We went to go get my things from my apartment, where my roommates were an audience to my little sideshow. From there, my adventure really began.
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