Well then...

I am losing myself, if I'm not already lost.

Maybe now I can find myself?

Here is an e-mail that I sent to Prof and my counselor. Insight?
I'm not sure.

Prof, 

This e-mail doesn't really merit a response, I'm just trying to figure things out, and keep you in the loop as to where I'm at mentally. It's long, so if you manage to keep your attention on it till the end, go you. 

Right now, I don't have any self-injurious thoughts, neither does ML. She says she doesn't really like the consequences anyways, so that's a good thing.

I just...things are tough. 

To explain, I'll start off with what they said in the hospital. Dr. Milam said I don't have DID or anything, just that as a coping mechanism I have compartmentalized my feelings into personalities. These are just a way of coping, and they can be weaved back together with me through therapy. 

So. 

Let me explain how my brain is working right now. 

There are 7 people in my head. They represent different emotions, to an extent. They all serve different functions, have their own names, opinions, handwriting, thoughts, voices, and the ability to switch in and take over when I can't handle something. Sometimes I dissociate and I don't remember a couple hours of my life because one of them has switched in. I guess this is normal? I don't know. I just know that I can't remember portions of my day, or driving home, because it wasn't me that was doing it. (And it's beyond normal dissociation like Robin said we do in every day life.) Sometimes they switch in just because they want a say in what's going on on the outside, because I don't necessarily give in to their thoughts or demands. 

They each have different personalities, I guess because they operate as different facets of me that handle different situations. 

(Oh, the joys of having a psychotic break. All kinds of good stuff pops up.)

There's Mean Lauren (ML) , Nice Lauren (NL) , Roo, Sam, Calm and Collected (He likes to be referred to as CnC) , Kerri , and Aly.

When I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed, caffeinated, or I haven't taken my Abilify, their voices rise to a cacophony in my head and I can't think straight. I get twitchy, panicky, have bad thoughts. It's one of those 'the voices in my head are telling me to kill you, and it's really hard for me not to listen' moments, and it's scary. 

I've conducted conversations with them in a journal, and they all have different handwriting. CnC has rather neat print, ML's handwriting is scrawl, Sam's is very sloping and elegant, Roo's is childlike, Kerri is very girlish, and mine is a jumbled mess of print. 

CnC even grips the pen too hard, and I had to ask him to stop. 

I can ask them to help me out, when I'm going through something. Usually begging one to switch in during the heat of the moment doesn't work (only Sam can do that), and instead it's kind of like setting up a date. For work last night, I asked CnC to help me out when it got tough, or just to keep the ball rolling (through journaling).

Sure enough, I ended up watching myself in another grand depersonalization moment as CnC just went to town doing dishes and getting shit done. 

I don't really know how to handle this. What do you do when your own brain is messing with you, creating personalities in your head that can come unbidden? The other night, Roo popped out and babbled like a madwoman and I had to yell at her in the journal. I can't have this happening. I can't switch when I'm at work, or in a social situation. 

I know that they're not complete alters. They're apart of me, and I them. But it just doesn't make sense what they're doing. Why would they/I hurt me, why would they do all this crap that just makes it harder on me. It's like there's no awareness there. ML did it because she was frustrated with me, not thinking that's what I would have wanted, or what was best for us. (Yeah, I'm an us. This is bullshit.)

I don't know. 

I just hope that lots of therapy and pretending like it's all okay (not) might help. I just want to be normal again, instead of having this constant hum in the back of my mind of different voices telling me to do things. Yeah. That sounds sane. 

If you've made it this far, congratulations. I owe you a cookie. 

Merry Christmas, Prof

-Lauren 

Good times.